Gifted Sibling Comparison
By Inderbir Kaur Sandhu, Ph.D
Q:
I have two boys, ages 6 and 2. The 6-year old was identified
as highly gifted (profoundly gifted in math) a couple of
years ago. Ever since he was born, he has exhibited quite a
few classic signs of being EXTREMELY smart and
well-developed. Here's my question; since my 6-year old was
my first, I don't think I'm accurately assessing the skills
or abilities of my 2 year old. He's definitely not the same
kid, and doesn't excel in the same areas, but has his own
talents. How do I know whether he is just kind of bright but
pretty average, or actually gifted? I cannot help but use my
6 year old as a comparison, but that's not only inaccurate,
it's unfair to both of them.
My 2 year old (26 months) has been putting together 5 word
sentences since he was about 19 or 20 months. He knows how
to do things after seeing them only once, and automatically
identifies the purpose of an object without ever seeing it
before (example: my husband bought a set of nut drivers, and
my toddler picked them up, and walked around the house
"fixing" everything by attempting to turn bolts with them).
He understands the relationships between things without ever
having them explained. He can build a tower of blocks 12
tall -- he instinctively knows when to counter-balance,
even.
He understands concepts of time, and can control himself
very well for a 2 year old (I tell him he can't have, say, a
box of raisins from the store until after we go up and pay
for them, and then get out to the car. He thinks about it,
debating if that's OK with him, and then will say "OK" and
actually wait until the agreed-upon time to ask for them
again). The kid just UNDERSTANDS things. He knows a bunch of
songs by heart, and sings them to himself quietly to
entertain himself. He has a very long attention span when
he's interested.
However, he does not know his alphabet, and shows really no
signs of progress on it. Still only knows a couple colors.
No numbers at all. He is not at all interested in reading
the words in a book (we read to him all the time), but
instead wants to identify pictures. He knows, for instance,
that he has to go to the last page to see the character he's
looking for (keep in mind the kid has like 30 books and
purposely does NOT have "favorites"), but he has no idea
whatsoever what the story is about. I'm not sure what to
think -- he's not doing any of the advanced things my older
son did.
Does he sound gifted to you, or just kind of bright?
A: Having a profoundly gifted
child can be the source of a great deal of parental pride,
but parents must exercise caution when dealing with less
bright siblings. While growing, if one child is always in
the limelight, there are somewhat tendencies for the other
to be in the shade. Every child is different from the other,
even in the same family, and even if they were twins.
Children develop very differently in terms of pace and this
is very natural.
I am glad that you realized that it is unfair to compare the
boys. And as you have mentioned yourself, your 2 year old is
talented in different areas. These are skills that need to
be strengthened and focused on – not the weaknesses
especially in comparison with your older son.
A known and rather common heuristic for diagnosing gifted
children is that younger siblings of a gifted child are
often gifted. This is especially true for siblings who have
a big age gap from their older sibling, and even more so for
the youngest child in such a family. They would naturally
tend to admire their older siblings and in most cases, try
to imitate them and set them as models. In a case when two
siblings are in competition, it is important to help the
younger sibling look for a field of interest which is not
already "taken" or "booked" by the older sibling, which
gives identity to the younger sibling. This would allow him
to excel in that particular field at his own pace without
being compared to his older sibling.
Do not worry too much about his alphabetical or even color
recognition skills as he will eventually learn when he is
ready. Some children learn other things faster. Keep up with
the reading but do not force him to read as this may kill
his interest. He may be more of a visual learner. Try taking
him to a bookstore and get him to identify his own books of
interest, and perhaps get them for him (even if it may not
be your idea of a suitable book). Another good way is to
indirectly expose him to a reading family. When he sees his
older sibling and parents constantly reading books, he may
be curious. And he may well start being interest in books as
he wants to quench his curiosity. It is crucial that he
finds meaning in his activities.
Above all that, without realizing, you are indeed comparing
him with his brother. He is very young and perhaps your
expectations are rather high. Being gifted or bright are
just labels we use. You need to be convinced in your own
mind that each of your son's qualities are equally special
in their own right, even if one may look ordinary in
comparison. Otherwise, you will be short-changing them.
Learning is not about absorbing information as early as one
can but more about finding meaning and enjoyment in learning
activities.
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