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ADHD Help

Q: My elder son aged 12 years old has moderate symptoms of ADHD. Although his hyperactive behavior is not very significant. We have decided to use behavior and other methods, and do not want to treat him pharmacologically.

I have a question for my younger son who is 5 years. He is exceptional talented in Classical Music, and can recite 8 Ragas and has always been top in his school throughout his Kindergarten years. To date he has 7 Gold and 2 silver medals. Besides, he shows many sign of characteristic of gifted children. I would like to know,

• Is it likely that my younger son will get ADHD too? I am worried as it manifested in my elder son at 7 years old.

• What do I get my younger son tested since his school does not have testing facilities.

• Any specific material to read so that I can deal with the two of them in deserving manner as a father.

A: There is good evidence that ADHD is in part genetic so your younger son may have more of a risk for ADHD than an average person. As you move forward, remember that there can often be confusion between gifted children and the diagnosis of ADHD if a gifted child is put in an environment that doesn't support his or her gifts they may get bored and appear to not be paying attention.

Getting a thorough psychological assessment is a great idea, especially if there is the potential for confusion between giftedness and the diagnosis of ADHD. I often recommend that parents get a pediatrician to recommend a thorough neuropsychiatric evaluation. This will rule out other conditions and assess for giftedness. If your insurance doesn't pay for it, it would be well worth the financial investment since it will resolve any questions and provide clarification for you, your son and his teachers.

As for reading material, I obviously would recommend highly my own book, The Gift of ADHD: How to Transform Your Child's Problems into Strengths. Here are some tips based on my approach:

1. Find your child's strengths and focus on those. Children will live up to our expectations and sadly, down to our expectations.

2. Advocate for your child. This means you need to "spin" your child's behavior to friends, family and teachers. Has your child's antics been any worse than our leading politicians? Probably not. Imagine the spinmeisters on talk shows who try to get their politicians elected. Do the same for your child.

3. Coach your child to name and feel ok with all their emotions. Kids act bad when they are mad, sad or "ascared." When you coach your child to tell you what they feel, their bad behavior will heal.

4. Reframe symptoms as gifts. Spaciness is imagination. Hyperactivity is exuberance. You get the picture - now it's your turn.

5. Feed your kid's passions. Do they love cars? Let them become obsessed with learning about cars. Passions will fuel motivation to learn and they will gain essential skills on the way.

6.  Look inside yourself. Sometimes kids act out unexpressed conflicts of their parents. Are you struggling with depression, anxiety, rage? Get help for yourself and your kids will shape up.

7. Get your ego out of it. If the problem is that your kid is not doing as well in school as you want them to, give them what they need. But if you are depending on your child to fuel your own self-esteem, you are hurting your child. Heal your own need to impress others and let your child be free to develop at their own pace.

8. Think of yourself as a coach. Your job is to coach your child to success in social, emotional and educational settings. Sometimes the answer is practice, practice, practice. Don't get discouraged if you have to repeat yourself over and over again.

9. Remember that differences are not disorders. You can learn to become proud of a child who is different from others and doesn't just play follow the leader. Many spirited ADHD kids go on to be leaders.

10. Pick your battles. Give your child three rules that are enforced by
    consequences (time out etc.). All other "rules" are considered teaching points and you remind your child of the rules and coach them to success.

11. Praise the positive. Search for positive feelings, behaviors and
    achievements. Notice the success and give your child credit. This will start a positive upward cycle.

12. Let your child learn to tolerate frustration and disappointment. Your job as a parent is not to protect your child from every disappointment but to coach them toward learning how to express their emotions and bounce back.

13. Open your mind to alternative career paths. Children with this label can go on to do anything they are passionate about. Children who are artistic, musical and more creative should be encouraged to pursue their interests. The world needs the beauty and artistic expression they have to offer.

14. Get out in nature. All children, but especially ADHD and spirited
    children are healed by being in nature. Research shows that kids can follow directions better and focus more after time in nature.

15. Give your child MORE responsibility. Yes - you read that right! Give your child specific tasks that involve things he or she is already good at. By giving them more responsibility you convey your respect for what they are already good at can confidence in their abilities. Remember - kids live up to or down to our expectations.

16. Immunize your child against failure. This means let them fail and show them that they can shake it off and keep trying. As they build resistance against failure they will learn to persist in the face of disappointments.

17. Questions Labels. If teachers or doctors want to label your child with ADHD, ask more questions. Make sure you rule out current life stressors in the child's life or the family. Sometimes the label is appropriate and can open the door to much needed resources.

18. Questions medications. Make sure that if you use medication to treat the symptoms that you are also giving your child social, emotional and educational resources so that you can work toward solving problems. Medication can help the symptoms but it is not a cure.

19. Enjoy your spirited ADHD child. Although they are a handful they have a unique view on life and their energy can be contagious. Let yourself laugh at their antics every now and then.

20. Schedule time for your child to daydream. Show them how much you appreciate their imagination by giving them a special time reserved for it. Remind your child when they drift off in class that they can come back to their reverie during the scheduled daydream time.

21. Get perspective. Try not to focus on patching up what your child doesn't do well and ask teachers to do the same. If your child doesn't spell well, ask that the teacher not focus exclusively on poor spelling and work on building existing strengths.

22. Use your child intense areas of interest to build skills. For example if your child loves snowboarding but hates spelling, ask them to practice spelling "snow!"

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