Should we compromise with our children?
By Russell Turner
A compromise, like an apology, is often seen as weakness, giving in,
and the beginning of loss of control to our children. We often fear
that our authority will be undermined if we don't "stick to our
guns" and hold our children to our original demand, and unfailingly
enforce the rules no matter what. More accurately, a compromise
shows that we have respect and understanding for our children's
thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
Compromise actually is a process of giving and taking, a sign of
strength not weakness, and an avenue toward a win – win situation
for everyone involved. If we don't listen and respond fairly to our
children's reasonable complaints, or to what they are really saying,
more often than not they become resentful and angry. This is
especially true as they mature and begin to develop more adult ways
of thinking. We often end up with less authority in their eyes and
less respect from them. We can unwittingly cause a great deal of
damage to our relationships in the name of "parental authority" when
we dig in our heels regardless of the real importance of a
particular issue.
Compromise is a lot different from negotiation. Negotiation by
definition implies the right to say no, to reject the offer, walk
away and refuse the deal. Compromise however, involves giving and
taking. The fact that there will be an agreement is assumed from the
start. The only question is what form the agreement will take, and
who will give way on what. Compromise involves looking at the
separate and common interests of an issue and seeing if there is a
way for both sides to get some or most of what they want. If a
compromise is going to be a win – win situation, it stands to reason
that what we are prepared to give away is not hugely important to
us. We are still the parents and our considerations for the safety
and well being of our children are paramount.
Consider a situation like this; you need to get the grocery shopping
done that morning (nonnegotiable), but you don't mind whether you
get it done early or late (area of compromise). Your child has two
favorite morning TV programs they want to watch, one early and one
late. They want to watch both but there isn't time between them to
get the shopping done. The compromise is the fact that you are
prepared to time your shopping so your child gets to pick one show
to watch, the one they like best. Everyone gets something they want,
and your child learns to determine what is really important to them
and at the same time learns they can't always get everything they
desire.
Compromise is very different from surrender. Compromise doesn't mean
any old concession on your child's part will do. It is our
responsibility as parents to set up proper parameters of compromise
and to hold our children to those parameters. If after offering the
above compromise your child throws a tantrum, and you then agree to
do your shopping in the afternoon but in return junior has to clean
his room, you have surrendered.
When we first try to reach a compromise with our children we must
very clearly from the start identify those areas which are
nonnegotiable. If there is room for compromise on an issue it
usually develops when both our children's separate and common
interests and ours are discussed. If we don't ask why our children
want something to happen differently, or explain to them why we
think something should happen in a particular way, it will be
difficult to arrive at the common ground necessary for a win – win
compromise.
The language we use to arrive at a compromise is important. We
shouldn't say, "if you do this I will do that". This is manipulative
and will probably come back to bite us one day as we are teaching
our children the tactics of manipulation. However, if we say
something like "if we do it this way, we can both get what we want".
This teaches them that there may be a solution in the middle that
everyone can live with.
There is a limit to compromise. Too much can also teach our children
to manipulate. Our arguments need to be relevant. If we try to
justify our demands with layers of argument, we are just teaching
them to try reason after reason. While it is important for our
children to learn to reason and present a good case for what they
want, it is also important for them to understand when no means no.
It remains our responsibility to teach them how to cope successfully
with the disappointment of not getting their own way and
understanding that they will not always be able to control all of
the events in their lives.
About the Author Russell Turner, USA info@mychildhasdiabetes.com
http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com Russell Turner is the father
of a 10 year old diabetic daughter. After she was diagnosed he soon
discovered he could find all sorts of medical information on the
internet. What he couldn't find was how to prepare his child and
family for living with this disease. He started his own website for
parents of newly diagnosed diabetic children http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com
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