Managing Highly Able Children's Behaviour
By Elaine Hook
Challenging behaviour is hard to manage at the best of times
and tests every parent to the extreme at some point in our
parenting lifetime but managing challenging behaviour in
clever, highly able or gifted and talented (G&T) children is
more difficult than one can ever imagine because many of
these children have the intellectual capacity to deal with
the punishment very maturely putting coping strategies into
place for themselves in order to deal with situation and the
punishment being offered.
Strategies for managing highly able children never last very
long because a highly able child is able to understand and
rationalise the discipline and deal with it in a very adult
manner consequently the G&T child is often not bothered or
greatly effected by the punishment and it has no impact.
Therefore as parents and professionals, when setting
boundaries for discipline, we must be fair but firm,
persistent, unrelenting and able to follow through with the
threat we give; NEVER make a threat you cannot follow
through with.
It is important, sometimes, that we look at our own
responses to our children's negative behaviour; it can be
like holding a mirror up to ourselves. Suddenly we are able
to see how we can be locked in to patterns of behaviour that
we had previously been unaware of. It can help us see how
our own behaviour impacts on the young people around us.
Children respond to whatever attention they get the most of,
so if you are shouting and nagging you will see more of the
behaviour that you are shouting and nagging at. Try to give
more time to their lovely behaviour and not the negative
behaviour.
One of the most common mistakes parents make is presuming
that their children have far greater reasoning skills than
is possible for their age. The part of the brain that
enables us to manage our behaviour and act sensibly and
rationally is the frontal lobes. This area is still
developing in the early years and is not fully functioning
in an adult sense until much later in life. Having deep and
lengthy conversations with a child about the rights and
wrongs of their behaviour will have no effect; it just
reinforces the behaviour by giving the child attention for
unwanted behaviours you want to get fid of. If you interpret
the child's behaviour from an adult perspective you will
mismanage the situation and end up giving it too much
attention and increase the problems.
Keep a behaviour diary for both you and the child; it will
help you to recognize patterns of behaviour and what
triggers the problems. You will need to be completely honest
and realistic in your record keeping as if a camera was
watching you. Children learn from us, we shape their
behaviour.
Educate yourself with what is acceptable behaviour and at
what age. A two year old throwing himself on the floor and
having a tantrum is a common sight but it is not normal for
a 6 year old. It is also important to remember children come
to us with their own personalities. What we are like depends
on our genes, the environment and our life experiences, add
to that gender differences, birth order and our school
environment and you can begin to see how each of us is
unique.
It is important to remind yourself that the problems you are
so concerned about do not make you or your child abnormal
and that there are many other parents out there in the same
boat.
When you want a child to follow an instruction and behave
appropriately change the tone of your voice and look and
sound as though you mean it. Get down to their level and
ensure they look at you, give the instruction and ask them
to repeat it back to you to ensure they have listened, ask
if they understand what you have them to do. Ask them to
tell you what you want them to do. Then politely but firmly
ask them to do what you have asked them to do.
IF they refuse, give two warnings (sometimes three.) You can
tell them they have had one warning which was the first time
you gave the instruction. Repeat the instruction one more
time in exactly the same way as before. Firmly, with eye
contact, ask them to repeat it back and tell you what you
are requiring them to do. IF they refuse once again you tell
them you are going to have to punish them. You MUST now
follow through. The punishment can be any of the following;
you decide which one you can work with, are comfortable
using and seems the best one for the incident concerned.
Time Out
Find a place that is boring with nothing going on, no toys
and no television. No distractions, for instance a piece of
carpet in an empty corner of a room, a chair in a similar
place, the bottom step of the stairs or sitting on the floor
in front of a cupboard or a door. Always explain to the
child what you are going to do and why. Sit the child in the
"time out" place that you decide on for 1 minute for every
year of their life, e.g. for a 4 year old – 4 minutes each
time they misbehave or behave in an unacceptable fashion for
you and your family. Do not talk to or touch the child, keep
them within your sight ensuring they are safe. Only talk or
touch the child if they become unsafe for whatever reason.
After the time allowance ask the child to tell you why you
put him there and explain that he will go back there if he
behaves in a similar way again, ask him to tell you why he
was put in "time out" and if he understands. Explain that he
will go back on the "time out" spot immediately if he
repeats the negative behaviour and again ask if he
understands. Then ask him to say he is sorry and have a
cuddle and then both of you go back to your normal routine.
If after several attempts he refuses to say sorry then he
must remain or go back to the "time out" spot until he is
willing to say he is sorry.
If the unacceptable behaviour is repeated no matter how soon
after the first incident the child must immediately go
through the same process and return to the "time out" spot
again and the same procedure is repeated all over again.
In conjunction with the "time out" procedure you can use a
combination of the following, although each of these can
also stand-alone:
Sticker Charts
Create a chart with your child. Encourage the children to
design and colour it themselves. Praise positive behaviours
as often as possible and give sticker rewards. Count them up
at the end of the day, week or month and give a special
reward or treat for positive behaviour. Prior to putting the
sticker charts into action agree on how many stickers the
child has to receive by the end of the given time to be
eligible for the special reward. Let the child go with you
to choose the special award, i.e. a book, video, DVD,
outing. Outings could be a visit to the cinema, shopping,
out for lunch, a friend over for a sleepover.
Behaviour Ladder
Together with your child draw a large ladder with say seven
rungs on it, one for each day of the week. You can label
each rung Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc, ask your child to
colour each rung each time they have a good, positive day.
Agree with your child at the beginning of the week what the
treat will be at the end of the week if they are able to
colour each rung. For example a new book, video/DVD, packet
of sweets, visit to the cinema etc. You must agree as a
family what is appropriate, what the rules and boundaries of
the "behaviour ladder" will be and you MUST stick to them.
Never promise something you cannot follow through on.
Behaviour Jars
With your child go out and purchase two large glass storage
jars. Name one "the good jar" and the other "the bad jar" or
something similar. You decide together. Make two labels with
the wording agreed on them and encourage your child to colour and decorate them. Then agree together what you are
going to use as counters inside the jars, e.g. buttons,
dried pasta, pebbles, bottle tops, paper clips and agree how
many, say 50. Put the 50 items in "the good jar" and decide
where they are going to be kept where your child can access
them easily and see them properly.
Each time you see
negative behaviour you ask you child to remove say 5 of the
items in "the good jar" and place them in "the bad jar." You
repeat this every time you see negative behaviour. If you
see exceptionally good behaviour you also reward your child
by taking 10 pieces from "the bad jar" and placing them in "the good jar." Your child can visually understand the
consequences of positive and negative behaviour.
At the end
of the week you count the two jars and hopefully your child
has more in "the good jar" and has earned a reward. Prior to
the end of the week you must have decided what the reward
will be, e.g. packet of sweets, bar of chocolate, time on
the computer, a new DVD/video, a visit to the cinema or a
museum etc. If there are more in "the bad jar" you have to
explain the implications to your child ask him to repeat
back to you and ensure he understands, remember to gain eye
contact and then try the same process again the next week.
Behaviour Wheel
Together with your child design a Behaviour Wheel. Discuss
together which positive behaviour's should be included and
what the rewards will be for seeing positive behaviour. Draw
two circles, one smaller than the other and pin them
together in the middle with a push pin to enable them to be
swivelled back and forth. On the outside wheel put the
agreed rewards on the inside wheel put the agreed positive
behaviour's. Set a timescale for seeing the positive
behaviours, e.g. by the end of the day. If by the end of the
day you have seen lovely positive behaviour the child gets
the reward. You can make different timescales as necessary,
e.g. weekly, two weekly, monthly.
Many gifted and highly able children are not "bothered" or "concerned" about being disciplined. It does not worry them
and they seem unaffected by many of the standard discipline
strategies we are recommended to use. Consequently you have
to try to find ways and means to affect them so they know
you mean what you say and that the behaviour is unacceptable
and not going to be tolerated. You must be persistent,
consistent and firm. Once you have explained why you are
disciplining them you do not need to discuss it further
unless they become unsafe.
Taking Away & Earning Back
For some highly able children "taking away and earning back"
works well. They do not like to loose their prize
possessions due to unacceptable negative behaviour. Choose
items that they are extremely fond of, e.g. toys, games,
mobile phone, iPod, DVD, television, computer, parties,
outings, activities, pocket money. Not all will work and
some will only work for a short amount of time. Each child
is different so you need to choose what is important to your
child at the time of the negative behaviour. You follow the
same rules as before. Explain why, get eye contact, ask them
to repeat why and that they understand and then explain the
consequence, remove the item and put it well out of reach so
they cannot find it and give a timescale for earning it back
and what behaviour needs to be shown to earn it back. If you
still see negative behaviour extend the time for earning it
back.
The Volcano
The Volcano can be used to manage anger and/or frustration
in children. Ask the child to draw a volcano in black and
white (or you draw one for them if they are not able to.)
Keep a stack of photocopies on the side somewhere and when
the child demonstrates anger, frustration or negative
behaviours ask the child to colour the volcano in red (or
colours he or she considers represent his or her feelings at
the time.) Ask the child to fill the volcano up to where his
anger/frustration is in his or her tummy. This exercise
helps manage anger and diffuses negative situations and
helps children understand feelings. As the child completes
this exercise discuss the variety of emotions that go with
the exercise for all parties concerned, i.e. the child, the
parent, friends around them and the family, sometimes even
the teacher and school.
Anger Management Resources
Up to 6 years
6 to 11 years
11 years plus
Books for Parents
The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids
By Sally Yahnke Walker - Free Spirit Publishing
How to Raise a Bright Child
Dr Joan Freeman - Vermillion
Parents & Carers Guide for Able & Talented Children
By Barry Teare - NEP
The Indigo Children
By Lee Carroll & Jan Tober - Hay House Publishing
Further information
NAGC FREE Helpline: 0845 450 0221 - Confidential & impartial
support and guidance for children, parents, head teachers,
teachers G&T Co-ordinators, SENCo's and other professionals
The National Association for Gifted Children
www.nagcbritain.org.uk
American Association for Gifted Children
www.aagc.org.com
UK 24 hour free Parent Helpline: 0808 800 2222
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
www.e-parents.org
www.oneparetnfamiles.org.uk
www.workingfamilies.org.uk
www.parentcentre.gov.uk
www.raisingkids.co.uk
National Association for Able Children in Education
www.nace.co.uk
Gifted National Academy for Gifted & Talented Youth
www.warwick.ac.uk
Resources
www.worldgifted.org.com
Twice Exceptionality
www.2eNewsletter.com
High IQ's
www.mensa.org
National Association for Early Years Children
www.naeyc.org
www.brainy-child.com
www.early-years.ca
Twice Exceptional
Some children may have a learning disability alongside their
giftedness, which adds another dimension, difficulty and
frustration to the issues. Remember not to let the
disability get in the way of the high ability of any child.
Most learning difficulties do not interfere with intellect.
Some common disabilities we see alongside high ability:
-
Autism/Autistic Savant
-
Aspergers Syndrome
-
Autistic Spectrum Disorders
-
ADD/ADHD
-
Dyslexia
-
Dysgraphia
-
Dyspraxia
-
Auditory & Visual Processing Discorders
-
Sensory Integration Dysfunction
-
Non Verbal Learning Disorder
National Autistic Society
www.nas.org.uk
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
www.adhd.org.uk
Attention Deficit Disorder
www.addiss.co.uk
British Dyslexia Association
www.bdadyslexia.org.uk
Dyspraxia Foundation
www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk
Auditory Processing Disorders
www.apd.org.uk
Institute for Neuro-Physiological Psychology
www.inpp.co.uk
Sensory Integration
www.maximumpotential.info
Newsletter for parents and educators of Twice Exceptional pupils/students
www.2eNewsletter.com
By Elaine Hook BA(Hons) Education Consultant
elainehook@nagcbritain.org.uk
National Association for Gifted Children
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