Build your child's self-esteem
Dr. Paul C. Holinger
When a baby finds that her signals are validated and responded
to appropriately - that troubles are soothed and pleasure
enhanced - she begins to sense that her feelings, expressions,
of her very being, are of value and important. A baby learns
that she counts for something. This is the foundation of the
development of self-esteem - a combination of who you are, how
you feel about yourself, and what you think about your future
potential.
Self-esteem takes root or withers depending on how you handle
your child's signals of fun - interest and enjoyment - and
validating and attending to the signals for help - distress,
anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dismal.
As parents you are the most important people in your baby's
world. You provide your child with his first definitions of
himself. You tell him through your every word, gesture, and
action just how important he is and how he is perceived by the
outside world.
Over the coming months and years, as your child matures and
becomes an adult, his self-esteem will become a more complex web
of interlocking emotions and thoughts about himself and about
how he sees and is seen by others. It's common for growing
children and as well as adults to fluctuate between episodes of
high and low self-esteem over the course of months or years.
However, a solid foundation of self-esteem - built by
appropriate responses to a child's signals and nurtured
throughout childhood - will help most people maintain a
basically optimistic view of their lives and their future over
the course of life's ups and downs.
Your goal now, with your baby, is to help him develop a sense of
himself that is reasonably solid and stable. As he grows, that
will allow him to perceive his talents and abilities accurately,
respond to life with flexibility, and look at his goals and
capacities realistically.
Of course, the real key is loving the very essence of your
child-loving and valuing the child for himself or herself, who
he or she is. But this is often easier said than
done-especially if the parents have not been loved and valued.
Yet, understanding the nine signals can be useful here too: Much
of the child's essence is wrapped up in her interests and
enjoyments; and understanding and attending to the negative
signals can help prevent the cycles of frustration, hurt, and
anger which can so contaminate the parent-child relationship and
erode the child's internal world.
The Foundation of Self-Esteem
From the first days of your baby's life, you can lay the
foundation for self-esteem by responding appropriately to your
child's signals for help (distress, anger, etc.) and fun
(interest and enjoyment).
Many experts believe that another important building block of
self-esteem involves a child's experience of competence.
Competence is initially achieved as a result of the brain's
capacity to create order out of the disorder of all the incoming
stimuli. An infant's inherent ability to develop competence
lays the foundation for later, more sophisticated mastery of
interaction with the world and people, which in turn may produce
a sense of self-esteem. One part of this development, as a child
grows, is learning that he is able to exert control over
external events. Another, as he interacts with his environment,
is learning how to adapt in a healthy way to the external
world's social requirements and expectations.
How to Help Your Child Build Self-Esteem
Focusing Appropriate Attention on the Child -
Babies thrive when
they feel they are of genuine interest to you and are the center
of your universe. They use their nine signals to express their
entire range of emotions. When a baby cries, or fusses, or coos,
she expects you to react with as much enthusiasm or distress as
she does about what is happening to her.
What parents sometimes forget is that to babies those reactions
of distress are proportional to the situation. Not being able to
get a hold of a ball that rolled into a corner is terrible! And
your baby wants you to pay attention to him when he announces it
in no uncertain terms. He finds himself incapable of righting
the situation himself-no matter what he does, he'll never be
able to reach the ball. Talk about frustration! So he asks for
your help in the only way he can-by making a scene. If that
doesn't elicit your sympathy and attention, if you don't
respond and help your baby out of his distress, he will begin to
think that his problems don't really matter, how he feels
doesn't count. Instead, if you take the opportunity to pay
attention, validating and confirming his feelings and
perceptions, you will help your child become confident.
Provide Reward and Praise -
Along with paying attention, reward
and praise from you are essential to child's self-esteem. You
must never forget how much your child wants to be like you and
to be liked by you. Kids need to hear that you approve of them
and think they are wonderful. They long to see the "gleam in
your eye" that signals love and approval. You can't assume
they know how you feel. They don't. They need to be told, over
and over and over. In the long run, reward and praise tend to be
better and healthier motivators than fear and shame. Of course,
whenever you're dealing with behavior, it is also important to
explain to the child the pros and cons, the reasons and
rationales, for whatever issue is at stake.
Offer Protection -
If a child perceives the world as threatening
or dangerous, it is almost impossible for her to feel brave and
strong, to know that she can make her way through it
successfully. But when you respond to your child's negative
signals of distress and anger by allowing expression of the
signals and then removing the triggers, you have begun to give
her the tools to deal with the world. When it comes to feeling
confident, nothing helps a helpless baby like knowing she can
depend on you to shield her from danger and distress.
How Self-Esteem is Damaged
Some parents inadvertently diminish their children's
self-esteem by interfering with or belittling their signals for
interest and enjoyment. This triggers the automatic, built-in
response of shame, and shame erodes self-esteem.
In my clinical practice, I frequently work with families in
which both the parents and children have a variety of troubles
related to a poor sense of self and self-esteem. The adults in
these families often don't understand how feelings and
emotions work. The family ends up in a toxic situation because
there is a mismatch between the child's expression of
emotional needs and the parent's ability to respond
appropriately. Often, then, the children fail to develop a solid
sense of self-who they are, what they like and don't like, a
confidence in their perceptions and feelings, and so on. The
resulting tension that develops between parent and child can
contribute to the erosion of his self-esteem. The child may
become angry, defensive, intolerant, and inflexible, or
withdrawn, self-destructive, envious, and fearful. In fact, a
whole variety of the less pleasing personality traits can be
directly attributed to a person's lack of belief in his own
essential worth. Think bully. Think timid. Think depressed,
depleted, and drained. These different qualities result, in
part, from a lack of self-esteem.
The results of these kinds of parenting missteps can be
heartbreaking. But the results of positive parenting are
tremendous. You and your child are able to enjoy one another's
company, to delight in the deepening of your friendship. You
gain access to the delightfully quirky way the world looks to a
child. You learn as your baby learns. You gain confidence in
your parenting skills; your self-esteem increases. Over time,
you become ever more able to allow your child to grow into a
unique, self-confident being. And because she has a solid sense
of self, she will become capable of forming fulfilling
relationships and of maintaining a healthy autonomy.
Paul C. Holinger, M.D., M.P.H. Paul is the author of "What Babies Say Before They Can
Talk" (Published by Simon & Schuster) Dr. Holinger is a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
who has been working with children and adults for the last twenty-five years. He is
Professor of Psychiatry at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center and is Training
and Supervising Analyst at the Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis. He earned a Masters
of Public Health from Harvard University School of Public Health and has held fellowships
in both Psychiatric and Psychosocial Epidemiology. He is a reviewer for the American
Journal of Psychiatry, Pediatrics, Psychoanalytical Psychology, along with the Journal
of Youth and Adolescence, to name a few. Dr. Holinger resides in the Chicago, IL area.
>> Back to
Articles Directory
Don't forget to subscribe to our ezine to stay on top of the latest news on
child brain development and early child development
|
|
Checkout these other child development articles
