Building Self-Confidence In Your Child
By Silvana Clark
Sit by any playground and observe the children running, jumping, and
climbing over and under the equipment. It's not hard to notice the
daredevils who slide headfirst down the slide and then leap from the
hanging bars to begin twirling feverishly on the tire swing. These
kids know no fear! Then there are the cautious playground
participants. They slowly walk across the shaky wooden bridge. It
takes them time to get the courage to slide down the fireman's pole.
What makes the difference? Could it be self confidence?
Parents strive to help their children develop
self-confidence. We all want our children to eagerly participate in
school or volunteer to try playing goalie on the soccer team. Yet
often, (well meaning as we are) parents undermine their children's
ability to develop self-confidence. If a pre-schooler runs into a
room caring a glass of water, what's the first thing most parents
say? You'll usually hear,” Be careful, you might spill that”. How
about saying, ‘It's a good idea to walk when carrying a glass of
water.”? Why encourage a self-fulfilling prophecy by telling Susie
she'll spill the water?
Let's revisit the playground. Listen carefully and
you're bound to hear some mother yelling, “Jordan, don't climb so
high, you'll get hurt!” That's one way to build a child's
confidence! When our daughter was three, my husband found her trying
to climb an apple tree in the backyard. Rather than telling her she
was going to fall, he spent time showing her how to select branches
for holding and standing. They climbed another ten feet, much to the
delight of Sondra. The rule is she can climb trees when an adult is
nearby - which has resulted in numerous father daughter tree
climbing expeditions.
The following are some ways to help children develop
self confidence in themselves and their abilities.
Be a positive role model
How often as adults do we say, “I'll never be able
to make that presentation next week.” Or, “I wish I knew how to use
this new computer program. I'll never learn.” Children need to see
parents with a can-do attitude. They gain coping skills by hearing
parents say, “The boss asked me to give a Power Point presentation
next week. I've never done it, but I found this great magazine
article that has some tips. I'll give it a try.”
If things don't work out, keep a positive attitude.
I remember taking a risk and auditioning for a part in a community
theater play. OK, I didn't get the lead, (or even a minor part) but
I did let my daughter see me stepping out of my comfort zone and
making the best of the situation. While I wasn't headed for
Broadway, I did become involved with the theater by volunteering as
box office manager.
Encourage positive risk taking
Self confident children have the inner fortitude to
try new things, even if it means a possibility of failure. Encourage
children to try out for the school play or enter an art contest. As
a family, read a book on a topic new to all of you. Take a bike ride
on some unfamiliar trails, just for the adventure of seeing where
you'll end up. When my daughter was in first grade and assigned to
bring something for Show and Tell, I encouraged risk taking. Instead
of having her share the latest Barbie doll, I'd give her a theme
such as “Take something you made yourself”. (We baked bread which
she shared with the class.) “Take something that grows in the
ground.” (She picked dandelions and showed their long root system.)
The teacher always commented positively about Sondra's unique choice
of Show and Tell items. In a small way, she learned she'd get
positive reinforcement by doing things a bit different from the
ordinary. Today at 15, she's a confident teen that doesn't worry if
“everyone else is doing it”.
Let children make choices
Yes, you want your daughter to go to school wearing
the cute red plaid skirt with the matching red sweater. She, of
course, wants to wear the purple striped pants with her yellow
flowered turtleneck. Why not let her? One very traditional mother
was helping her son write a poem for a school assignment. She
thought a poem about the baby robins in their backyard made a
perfect topic. Jason had other ideas. He wrote a poem about the
smell of fermenting garbage in their trash can. The poem went on to
win a city wide youth poetry contest while Jason developed
confidence in his writing and creative thinking skills.
A large part of self-confidence is the feeling that
it's great to reach out and do something out of the ordinary. All
too often as parents we say things such as, “But all the other kids
have lunch boxes. Why do you want your lunch in a bag?” Give
children the opportunity to make choices as long as safety and
family values are taken into account.
Keep praise in perspective
There's a tendency for parents to praise every
action their child makes. There's no need to clap and cheer if your
10-year old puts his napkin on his lap at dinner. That's expected
behavior. Some parents gush over every scribble their pre-schooler
makes as if that drawing belongs in a museum. Children soon learn
they can do almost anything and parents automatically give a
standing ovation. That praise soon loses its meaning. Of course you
want to give positive feedback, but at least make it realistic
feedback.
As a pre-school teacher, I often saw parents
excessively praise children for minor accomplishments. A mother
picking up her four year old looked at her daughter's collage
consisting of one cotton ball and two pieces of felt glued to a
piece of paper. “Oh Ashley”, she gushed, “This is the most amazing
piece of artwork I've seen. Look at what a lovely collage you made.
You are so artistic! Let's go home and put it up on the wall in a
special place of honor.” This four year old was certainly capable of
making a collage beyond 3 items glued to paper. In class, Ashley
consistently needed reinforcement for what she did. She'd ask
“Teacher, do you like my picture?' Didn't I do a good job making a
tower with the blocks?” Instead of participating in an activity for
her own enjoyment, she needed the approval of others.
Let children solve problems
Children develop self confidence by solving problems
appropriate to their abilities. Does your son want the latest
expensive tennis shoes? Have him call 3-4 stores and compare prices.
Brainstorm ways he could partially earn some of the money. Instead
of rushing in to help your child, allow time for creative thinking.
One teacher assigned the usual homework assignment of constructing a
model of the solar system…with no Styrofoam balls allowed! Parents
actually called, complaining their children couldn't possibly
complete the assignment without Styrofoam balls. The wise teacher
told parents to relax and let children find a solution. They did,
including a model of Jupiter and Pluto made from a combination of
glue and dryer lint!
Silvana Clark is a professional speaker and the author of eleven
books. She encouraged her two daughters to take risks, push the
limits and definitely think outside the box. For information on her
creative parenting workshops, contact
http://www.silvanaclark.com
>> Back to
Articles Directory
Don't forget to subscribe to our ezine to stay on top of the latest news on
child brain development and early child development
|
Checkout these other child development articles
