How to Create an Attitude of Cooperation
By Judy H. Wright
Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant
for Ready to Learn for many years, I have had the unique opportunity
to work with Head Start families, Child Care Providers, and parents
as well as schools, organizations, and teachers all over the world
just like you.
Yes You Are The Teacher
Every one of us is teaching the next generation,
whether we want to or not. Those of us who care deeply about the
children in our circle of influence need to teach those values,
ethics, and standards that will help them to live successful and
happy lives. Now, more than any other time in history, it is
important to be a mindful parent. That means paying attention to what is going on in the daily lives of our children.
There is no greater calling than to be a teacher,
and there are no greater teachers than parents and extended family.
If we remember that the ultimate goal in getting our kids to help at
home is to teach them good work habits, rather than just to get the
family room picked up before we go crazy, we approach the task from
a better perspective. We will not be approaching tasks in a
labor/management, master/slave or leader/follower manner as much as
we will be modeling the more respectful roles of teacher/pupil. We
have experiences to share with our children. We care about their
character formation, their skill development, and their general
happiness more than any one else in the world.
Attitudes and Skills Are Taught at Home
Ideally, our homes should be like apprentice shops,
where our children work by our sides and learn the life skills they
need to be successful, contributing adults. We want to create an
atmosphere where mutual respect and support are inherent and people
learn to self-manage. As teachers, we do need to discipline and
guide the actions and character development until the individuals
can learn and practice self-discipline The word discipline, as
defined in Webster's dictionary, means learning or knowledge, the
training that develops self-control, character, orderliness, and
efficiency. The root word of discipline is disciple, which means a
student or follower of another. It does not mean punishment or fear.
As parents, we are challenged to walk in such a way
that those who follow us learn to discipline themselves- wherever
they go, whatever they do, and no matter how old they become. The
seeds of good judgment, thoughtful consideration for others and
self-reliance in all areas of daily family life are most easily
planted during a child's pre-school years. These can then be
reinforced every day until they leave home. However, it is never too
late to start teaching these lessons if we have not taken or had the
opportunity when they were younger.
Mindful Parenting
So often we do unconscious parenting, just getting
through the day. It is not that we don't love our family; it is just
that the love sometimes gets lost in translation through poor
communications or unskillful methods. I would like to challenge you
to be more conscious of how your words and actions affect your
children. By changing the family's attitude into one of positive
expectancy rather than anticipation of negative outcomes, you make
the atmosphere more pleasant and welcoming to everyone. Hopefully
you will find some techniques here that will assist you in your
efforts to have a more cooperative and harmonious home.
It is the responsibility of parents and extended
families to teach our children how to succeed in life as
contributing members of society. Schools, churches, Girl Scouts,
YMCA, and other youth organizations can only supplement the lessons
children receive at home. Too many children today are not being
taught basic lessons of character by parents but are learning by
osmosis through TV. It is time to unplug the TV (or limit the
viewing, to a number equal to hours spent reading or restricted to
just on the weekends) and plug our families into each other.
Take a Long Range View
I always encourage parents to look down the road
fifteen years to the adult, instead of right now at the child who is
balking at unloading the dishwasher. Yes, it would be easier on you
just to put the dishes away yourself, but what does your child learn
when you do his chores for him? Almost all learning is accomplished
through trial and error, or the natural or logical consequence of
actions.
If we as parents step in and prevent the error or
consequence, we have just prevented the learning. We all need to be
able to make mistakes and errors in judgment in order to learn what
works and what doesn't. This is how we fine tune our skills and
master the tasks at hand. We do our children a grave disservice by
stepping in to save them, unless it is a matter of safety. We need
to work together as a family unit, in a supportive but
non-interfering way, to learn new skills and head toward the goal of
independent, successful and harmonious lives.
In the next few minutes, as you read this book, you
will find two different and distinct components of responsibility:
outward and inward.
-
Outward responsibility deals with everyday life
skills such as doing chores, brushing teeth, returning videos on
time, and feeding the dog. Each family has its own list of what they
consider important, so we will not discuss particular tasks. Rather,
we want you to focus on nurturing a positive attitude and good
habits in your children - habits that will help them to be
productive and reliable.
-
Inward responsibility deals with attitudes,
beliefs, and values. Being inwardly responsible means admitting
mistakes, treating others as you would like to be treated, being
unselfish, and caring about other people's health, property and
feelings. We frequently get bogged down with the frustration of
dirty rooms and forget about more important factors like inward
motivation. Effective discipline is setting reasonable limits on our
children at different developmental stages but giving them choices
so they can learn to form their own opinions. Our goal is to help
them become self-disciplined and to learn to think and problem solve
without asking or being told what to do in every situation.
Aptitude and competence or the ability to accomplish
a task is not nearly as important and vital to a happy life as
attitude and confidence. This is the area where we help our children
build self-esteem, problem solving skills, a can-do outlook, and
positive expectations toward life. A cooperative environment is one
where everyone in the family wins; there are no losers. By learning
to support and assist each other in small daily tasks, we set the
stage for encouragement and a willingness to become self-reliant.
Good luck. As a word of encouragement, I have to
tell you that, of our grown children, the ones who were the messiest
as kids are the neatest as adults! Hang in there; there is hope for
the future.
Now, here we go--some great ideas and suggestions
from families just like yours who have learned to pitch in and make
the work go faster. I am sure you will enjoy what the kids confided
to me about being responsible and helping. They are the real
experts.
This article has been
written by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator and PBS consultant. You
will find a full listing of books, tele-classes, and workshops
listed at www.ArtichokePress.com.
You have permission to use the article providing full credit is
given to author. She may be contacted at 406-549-9813 or JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com
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